I love to laugh. My dad was very humorous, it was one of his best qualities. The reality is that I am often very serious, too serious. Our church is getting rid of some very old books and I found one joke book called "The all new clean joke book" by Bob Phillips. copyright 1990. So sometimes, at night, I would pick it up and just read it. Most aren't very funny but surprisingly, I actually laughed at some of them! Here are some that I actually thought were pretty funny, so I thought I share them so you can laugh too.
Acting
"Stop acting like a fool!"
"I am not acting."
Cold Cuts
"Of course I'm listening to you; don't you see me yawning?"
"I've enjoyed talking to you; my mind needed the rest."
"The only time you make sense is when you're not talking."
Eggs
Ralph: "Down on our farm, we had a hen lay an egg six inches long!"
John: "that's nothing. On our farm we can beat that."
Ralph: "How?"
John: "With an egg beater."
~~~~
Store clerk: "those eggs just came from the country."
Shopper: "What country?"
Eye
Policeman: I'm looking for a man with one eye named Cornell.
Bystander: What's his other eye called?
Face
Nit: Haven't I seen your face somewhere else?
Wit: I don't think so. It has always been between my ears.
Gifts
First girl: Weren't you kind of nervous when your boyfriend gave you all those beautiful gifts?
Second girl: No, I just kept calm and collected.
Good news/Bad news
Doctor: Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Give me the good news.
Doctor: You've only got three weeks to live.
Patient: If that's the good news, what's the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you two weeks ago.
How old
Son: Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?
Dad: I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet.
Injured
"I was injured on the football team."
"How?"
"I fell off the bench."
Invalid
"I was an invalid once."
"You were? When was that?"
"When I was a baby. I couldn't walk until I was one year old."
Knit
"Did you know that it takes a dozen sheep to make a sweater?"
"Really, I didn't know they could knit!"
Lie Detector
First man: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie?
Second man: See one? I married one!
Match
Writer: Can't you suggest something to put a finishing touch on my story?
Editor: "Yes. A match."
Math
Son to father: Remember, you promised me $20 if I passed math? I've got great news! You've just saved $20!!!
Mistakes
Boss: How can one person make so many mistakes in a single day?
Employee: I get up early.
Moving
1st neighbor: We are going to move. We've going to be living in a better neighborhood.
2nd neighbor: So are we.
1st neighbor: Oh, Are you also moving?
2nd No, we've staying right here.
Pants
Kenny: I just bought a new suit with two pairs of pants.
Lenny: Well, how do you like it?
Kenny: Fine, only it's too hot wearing two pairs of pants.
Piano
Mark: My brother has been playing the piano for three years.
Clark: Aren't his fingers tired?
Punishment
Gary: A man just sold me the Nile River.
Larry: Egypt you.
~~~~
Then there was the author who suffered from writer's cramp--also known as authoritis.
Salesman
Q: How can you tell when salespeople are lying?
A: Their lips move.
Sales manager: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two orders.
Sales manager: What for?
Salesman: One to get out and the other to stay out.
School Daze
"Clarence, what did you learn in school?"
"How to whisper without moving my lips."
~~~~
Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut!
Father: What makes you think so?
Mother: I talked to his teacher and she said he is taking up space.
Quotable quotes
Many can rise to the occasion, but few know when to sit down.
While money isn't everything in life, but it does keep you in touch with your children.
Hope these brought a smile on your face today, blessings.
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