In CR, I worked on about 100 spiritual inventories and one thing that was on all of them was: "Unrealistic Expectations". That was my part. I thought at first that everyone had those expectations, but I was wrong, it was only me. And it was definitely the key to my unhappy life. I felt like I give so much to others and those people don't give back anything to me. To me, it was a perfectly "normal" expectation to expect love when I gave love. But it wasn't.
I remember back in the days when my sponsor was helping with lowering my expectations, my first assignment was coming home after a trip of any kind. Here is what usually happened: I went on an amazing trip, whether it's nature trip or conference, I experienced something wonderful and felt a connection with God. But then the instant that I entered into the house, all that joy and wonderful experiences that I wanted to tell my family flew out that door as I walked in to sticky floor, dirty dishes, unfed pets, odor from somewhere, wilting plants, and ,many things out of their original place. I don't know what I expected but I was instantly disappointed and annoyed, sometimes angry. As my sponsor suggested, I was to stop outside and prepare myself before I enter the house and ask God to help me with my expectations. After adjusting for a while, my expectations became only "kids are alive and house not destroyed." Thankfully, these expectations were met and I was happy to see them.
Then I learned to expect NOTHING in return when I do decide to give. Giving is a tricky thing for codependents. A lot of times, I give out of obligation. I am supposed to do that because maybe that person did me a favor back then, or maybe there is no one else who can do this favor. Then at times I give out of fear, fear of their anger or rejection, fear of confrontation. Here is what may be most common, I give because I like feeling needed and perhaps in return, that person would give me something back or feel closer to me. But these were all the wrong reasons to give. The Bible encouraged us to give, not under compulsion, but cheerfully because we have made up our minds to give. Give with no expectations, no strings attached, simply just because we want to. How crazy is that?! The lower the expectation, the happier we become.
Here is something else I just learned, love cannot be measured. You are probably thinking, "of course I knew that." But we do attempt to measure it still. If I spent 6 hours helping you with a party, and you washed my dishes, would I consider it equal? Probably not. In my mind, you probably still owe me something....even if I have tons of dishes. I may not consider it an equal return. If I called you on your birthday, then you sent me a text when I was struggling, would I consider that equal? We are secretly measuring the love we give out with the love we received from the same people. Those that I give a lot to, such as my kids and my husband, I tend to have higher expectations from them. The truth is I often get disappointed because I give them a lot and they give me very little, at least in my mind, they owe me. It's crazy, right? The stuff we put ourselves through in our minds. Then we get all hurt, and then we have to do an inventory and work on forgiving them. It's so much work. What if, we just have no expectations, as a result, we are less offended, then we won't have so many people to do inventory and forgive. It's best to not remember the good deeds you do for others. Don't keep tabs, because you cannot measure love.
You know what else I learned? The same people whom you expected to give you back love, they often don't. But.... God puts other people there to give you the love you need, you just haven't noticed them because you are too busy paying attention to the ones who is supposed to pay you back. For example: I love and gave tons of love to my kids, (money/energy/words.....etc), and I expected them to love me back or at least write me once in a while. They don't. And I feel hurt. But there are these random strangers or new friends who were kind to me in different ways, expecting nothing in return. But I often don't notice them because I'm too busy getting hurt from and focusing on my kids. Those random kindness that friends show you, and those that stick around when you are struggling , TAKE NOTICE of them and be thankful for them. They are God's way of showing you love. Receive them and respond with gratitude and love them back. Be that loving person to another and expect nothing in return (pay it forward). I've encountered some random acts of kindness from total strangers here. When I first came, no one knew me and I knew nobody, I guess I wore the same 5 pieces of clothing I brought from U.S. A church older lady randomly gave me a new dress! It was the first gift I received here in Taiwan. Oh, on Mother's Day, it was raining, and I was on my way to church. Because I normally don't ride the bike in the rain, I was walking from Metro to church. As I was crossing the road, a lady was crossing from the other side. As we passed each other, she gave me a carnation flower and wished me a happy mother's day. At first I thought she was selling something, but it was simply a gift with no strings attached. How surprised I was!!
I read in 2 Cor: 9:6-11, Paul said, "Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly and whoever sows bountifully will reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver...... He who supplies seeds to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness......which through us will produce thanksgiving to God."
This passage generally applies to money, but I think it also applies to love. Everyday look for a person to love and a person to thank, once a week write a heartfelt letter/email, and whenever you can, (or prompted by the Spirit) do random acts of kindness and smile at a stranger. The seeds of love you have sown will not be in vain. They just don't grow overnight. It takes time and it may grow in places that surprise you, but love will always come back to you. It may not come back through the ones you gave to, but loves circulates back eventually. Sow the seeds of love generously and cheerfully, what God will do for you is increase your capacity to love (multiply your seeds of love) and end results is a harvest of love and thanksgiving to God.
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