I discovered that I have been happier in general and have had more good days than bad days now. I wondered to myself, what did I do right? When I was younger, I was obsessed with being successful, but now I am more interested in being happy. How does a person get happier? There are two parts to it: Not only one has to do more things that make one happy, one also has to manage his/her own unhappiness. It's like gardening, not only you have to plant the beautiful flowers, you have to pull the weeds daily. I did notice that I have been doing the second part pretty well lately, so that's what I will write about today on how to manage my unhappiness.
Coping skills are super important. Who doesn't have problems or stressors in life? We all do. It's part of life. I observed that the same unfortunate things happen to a lot of people, but some rise above the challenge and came out stronger and happier. Others remained unhappy, fearful, bitter victims all of their lives. How do we cope with the everyday circumstances and people that frustrate us? We all have our ways of coping. Or we may just choose to ignore it, which is one way of coping, but it's called denial. There are some unhealthy way of coping, which we all know are not desirable: these include alcohol and drugs and other addictions, which are not what we will talk about today.
I found that I did several things right to manage my unhappiness in these 3 years.
Leave margins
I used to be such a workaholic, that I would need to be productive at all times in order to feel a sense of worth. There was a time when all four of my kids were young and a lot was required of me. My days were crazy busy and full. There were times also when I had stressful job position and I had to do three people's jobs. God in His mercy got me through those days. I would very much like to never return to those stressful days, but it was important to know that with God's help, I had it in me to accomplish quite a lot in one day. I'm glad it was only for a short season. But now, I struggle with living under my potential. If I have a free day, such as today, my first impulse was to fill it up with things that make me feel productive. I fight that impulse now and just let it be a "chill day". There is nothing wrong with those. My sister calls it "having margins" in life. I remembered those college-ruled binder paper, they always have a space at the top and on both sides that you cannot write on because it just will look too weird and crowded. Those are margins. When my life has margins, I cope better when problems comes. Once in a while, I need to have a "blank day" to relax. Now I don't feel guilty having those days because they contribute so much to my overall well-being. If I don't have time for a whole day, I would find time to turn off my phone or go for walks in my busy day. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." Ecc 3:1 That includes work and rest.
Manage Clutter
"There is a time to keep and a time to throw away" Ecc 3:6b I came to Taiwan with two luggage full of stuff, and I live in a small apartment. After almost 3 years, my things have grown but I actively manage my clutter. Shopping is a big deal in Taiwan. Whenever people have time, they shop and they eat. There are some of the fanciest malls in the world right here and best deal on stuff can be found at street corners. It's counter-culture to live simply. But I find that when my clutter becomes a distraction, I don't do as well because it hinders my purpose. Say I really wanted to cook or draw, but my kitchen is messy and my desk is full of junk. It makes it harder to focus and do the activity that I wanted to do. Maybe I want to read a good book finally, but then as I sit down, I look over and see these misplaced items, or things that no longer bring me joy. The clutter affects me. So I decided that the best thing to do is not to buy the things unless I really need it. I still buy consumable things, but other things I think long and hard and wait on purchasing it. Why? Because along with the price I pay for is my peace of mind and having to mange it. So I do notice that I am happier with less.
Boundary with Cringe People
We have those people in our lives that drains us and make us cringe. Somehow we still decide to give them our time and energy. I know I do. But now I do that with very tight boundaries. I only see them when I am in a healthy state of mind. If I have an overwhelming week or feel mentally exhausted, then I do not see them or talk to them. When I do see them, I set a timer. Haha....I know that's weird but in CR, we set timer for everything. That's why I love it. Timer is a way to protect our time and energy from the bloodsuckers in life. I was really proud of myself. Recently when one of the cringe people asked me to help her on something, I agreed to give her two hours of my time. Then last minute, she changed her mind, and wanted me to travel to another location which took an hour. Well, I decided to do that but the travel time is included in the two hours, so I ended up only spending an hour helping her and when the timer goes off, I left. That was something I didn't know how to do. But now I do that better. With proper boundaries, I feel so much more at peace.
Give generous explanation
We have negative mindsets, it's called "negativity bias". So when something happens, we automatically go to the negative interpretation. Well, that autopilot can be reprogrammed. When someone cut you off or almost run you over, you can think, "They sure had an urgency on their hands and thank you God for protecting me." When someone commented on something and it didn't sit right with you and you keep thinking about it, learn to give the most generous explanation. Or when someone you love did not respond to your text for a long time, explain their silence generously. It isn't always about you. Sometimes they have an off day, sometimes they are too busy or forgetful. Sometimes someone ignores you or have a weird expression. Instead of thinking, "They don't love me. They hate me. They are so ungrateful. They are mad at me. I did something to offend them....." My sponsor once told me for my own happiness, to give them the most generous explanation at all times. It sure is great advice. You ought to try it. On top of that, if it still bothers you, then do yourself a favor and forgive quickly. God sees all and He is the righteous judge. We will leave that job to Him and go on living happy lives instead of trying to figure out how to get back at them.
Write it all down in a journal
This may be to me the most helpful tool in coping with any of my own negative emotions. CR taught me to write everything down. I don't really know why but there is magic in writing by hand. I write down a lot of things now but I wasn't like that before. I have at least three journals. One positive, one negative and one 5-year journal. In the early years of my recovery, I don't notice a lot of positives in life, so my positive journal was very short. Now I've learn to write down a detail account of the day when I had a good day or I learned something important, or there is something I wanted to remember. Now my positive journal gets filled up a lot faster than my negative journal. Negative journal is when something bothers me, and I need time and space to sort it out. When I moved here, I had no friends or relatives close by. So when I feel some negative emotions, I would have to write it in my negative journal. It is just a cheap notebook. Somehow it feels better when I write it all down and sometimes I would figure out what I must do. Sometimes I see God giving me an opportunity to grow. I don't keep the negative journal, though some people do. I think struggling is part of the beauty of life. The 5-year journal is something I write a short 3-5 sentences daily. My sister got me hooked on those because I like that I can look back to see years ago on this same day what happened and what I was experiencing. It gave me a sense of growth and also felt often how faithful God is. If I am away somewhere, and I was experiencing something that bothered me, I would find a piece of paper and start writing it all out. It's better that I get it out on paper than it staying with me and affecting my health and sleep.
I am sure there are much more, but I found that these coping skills to manage my unhappiness really worked in my life. I planned to continue using these tools as much as I can. I hope you do too.
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