Parenting is definitely the hardest job in the world for me, and I've had a lot of jobs in my life time. It's exhausting when the kids were little because they depend on you for everything. You had total control and you decide what's good for them. Then they grow up and they have a mind of their own. Then you have to change your whole strategy and way of parenting.
I have a couple of "Cringe People" in my life that I still help but with very strict boundaries. I knew that I could easily cut them out because they are incredibly draining, but I felt like the Lord wanted me to help the weak expecting nothing in return whenever I am able and willing. So in desperate situations, I give them a couple of hours of my time. This week, there was an issue with a teenage daughter and I attempted to mediate. Unfortunately, her mom is very stubborn and wanted to remain 100% in control of her daughter. So there is definitely a communication shut down. I wasn't really able to help them at all, and because the mom has lots of mental issues, I couldn't tell her a lot of the things that she needed to hear. Well, I could, but it would anger her and would also be a waste of my time. (lose/lose outcome) So I learn from experience to remain silent, but there is actually so much I wanted to share with her. So I thought, I could write it in my blog.
I definitely made my share of mistakes when my kids were teenagers. Teenagers are at a awkward stage. When they were little, they were so cute! Cuteness goes a long way... So even when they were not behaving, it's easy to forgive them. You say, "Awww....look , how cute!! They are having a tantrum!" But then soon they are big, and developing body odor, wanting independence, becomes incredibly self-centered and angry.....etc. As a parent, you wonder "what has happened to my cute wonderful little child?" But this is all part of God's beautiful design for them to become adult and separate from parents, and eventually become independent completely. Part of being independent is asserting their own rights and expressing their own ideas.
As their parent, we don't need to agree with them all the time, but we can listen and discuss and guide their thinking. At times, we will still override their request and do what we know is best, but I don't believe it should be 100% of the time. Sometimes, we should compromise. When they were babies, we as parents are 100% in control and responsible for their lives. But they are getting older and that chapter has closed. As teenagers, we are still legal guardians but they are capable of doing quite a lot of things on their own, and they are learning to experience some of their own consequences. If we tell them, "You don't know what's good for you, I know better, so you shut up and listen." As in the case of the parent I was helping, then you can be sure that some day, the child will stop telling the parent anything. There will be a communication shutdown and then as soon as the child becomes legally an adult, she will go and do all those things the parent told her not to do. It's terrible. I have heard homeschooling families that as soon as a daughter turns 18, she moved out, dated a motorcycle gangster, using drugs and got pregnant. Yikes. I know, as a parent, we have fears, we know more because we had been alive longer than our child, so we want to protect them from what we believe is danger ahead. Some are so adamant that they force their teens to comply all the time. I am not sure if you noticed, we don't like to be told what to do! God gave us freedom of the will, even to reject Him, our creator. If that freedom is taken away from us, we want to rebel naturally. That's how a lot of wars are started. We all want freedom to make our own choices. Especially teenagers. but they lack the wisdom to make good choices at times, they are still learning and not fully adults.
So a parent's job is to lovingly guide them and sometimes we have the right to veto their decisions. They won't be happy but someday they will thank us. However, I don't think it should be ALL the time. Always listen, communicate in love, and spend time discussing, and pray, and then when you ultimately make a decision, let them know your reasons even when it's not what they wanted. And you know what? At times, we mess up, and we didn't decide well. Then we apologize and pray that we learn and do it better the next time. It's so humbling, right?
Once I had a dream, a very rare, meaningful dream after my dad passed away. In my dream, it was my wedding, and my dad was giving me away at the alter as customarily so. But he was giving me away to Jesus. He took my hand and placed it into Jesus' hands. I cried a lot when I woke up. My Dad was a good provider, he always took care of me. Since Mom passed away before him, at the time of his death, I would have no parents. He wanted to tell me that I will be ok, he now entrusted my life into Jesus' capable hands.
Isn't that the goal of all parents? We provide and protect up to a point, then we teach them to look to God and trust Him. He is worthy of our trust and ultimately a better parent. Were our parents perfect? no, but we turned out OK today because of the grace of God. Sometimes our child will make some not-so-good decisions. But God is there with them. They will be OK. The sermon I translated last was about Shadrach Meshach and Abednego being thrown into the fire for not worshiping the golden statue. Why did God allow it? Why did He not change the king's mind or put out the fire? We are not sure. But He was with them in the fire. Our children will go through fire, but God is there. He doesn't promise blue skies, but He does promise to be with us. That's the good news. We no longer need to be afraid of the fire or circumstances because Jesus is there for us and our children. He has all the resources available at His finger tips. He can take care of our children. Don't be afraid.
We give our power back to God. And we love our teenage, not-so-cute baby, despite what they say or do and how they make us mad. If God says to love our enemies, we can definitely love our children. How? With the love we got from God. Sure, being a parent of teenager is hard job, but can you love the unlovable? YES. The Holy Spirit that indwells us and beautifies us also helps us to love others and do God's will. It isn't easy, but we can do it with God's help.
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