I have a young sponsee who is facing a difficult decision on whether to continue a dating relationship. I wrote the following letter to her (of course removing names) and google translate it into Chinese.
Dear XXX,
I am thinking about your decision this morning and praying for you. I felt that I needed to tell you a few things regarding love, dating and marriage. It isn't what the movies tell you. You may have a fleeting moment of romance but most of the time, couples do very boring stuff. In the dating process, you will try to get to know each other, but the truth is that you will know very little even though you try your best. You only know the tip of the iceberg when you get married. After you get married, you become like a teacher, you teach the other partner what you are all about and what you like. You also make adjustment for the other person. There are some things that you always do, but then you find out it's super irritating to the other person, then you stop doing that out of love. There is a lot of this process going on after you get married. Love is more a choice than marrying the right person. We all have choices who we marry, but no matter who we marry, there will be lots of things wrong with them, and they will find a lot wrong with us. I know. It's shocking how unromantic this is, isn't it?
Of course, in the beginning, there will be that initial attraction. Some are more powerful than others. That's why in English we say "falling in love" because it is like the attraction is so strong you just involuntarily "falling" for that person. There are many reasons, some are in love with the idea of "falling in love" and have someone love them. Some may have a longing since childhood, or an unmet need, that they finally feel like the other person can fulfill that desire. It's an emotion so strong that we do some stupid things. After all, there is nothing more powerful then love. But the truth is that there is not one "soulmate" that you marry. There are many right choices. Whether you choose A or B, it doesn't matter much and God isn't specific about who you choose. But there are a couple of things God is very specific about.
1) Do not marry an unbeliever. Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. If you love Jesus, and want to live for Jesus and want to obey His directions, it would be very difficult to be married to someone who isn't following Jesus or doesn't understand why you have to do what you do, especially when this person is going to be the spiritual leader of your future family. Someday when you have kids, he will lead the kids in so many decisions, some very important ones. It would make the marriage very hard if he doesn't have the same convictions as you. You will be possibly going in very different directions in life if one knows God and the other doesn't. Unbelievers may be very attractive and loving at the time of courtship, most of them are, and you CAN date them. Actually in fact, you can date many different types of people. Because who knows when some of them will come to believe in the process. Dating in my dictionary is just being friends with the opposite sex. You can have lots of conversations over coffee about life and what you think and how you feel, and do fun things in public settings. However when it comes time to going exclusive, when it comes time to consider marriage, God is specific about marrying only the believers. It will make your marriage a lot better, even though marriage itself is hard. But a marriage with God being the center has a much better survival rate than a marriage without God.
2) No premarital sex before marriage. Again, this is not what the movies or the world tells you. When two people love each other and find each other fascinating and attractive, they don't always have to end up in bed together. Sex is a beautiful gift wrapped in the confines of marriage. Because this is a part that is so intimate that only someone who is under the covenant of marriage deserves to have with you. No matter what happened before this point, you can decide from now on to be pure before marriage. The God who designs our bodies, our desires, and who we are knows that this is the best way to be happy. I think you already know, the ones who have sex before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce, because this is not what sex is meant for. If the person you are dating cannot respect this boundary, then they are not right for you. Perhaps they see their own need more than their respect for you. You, as a woman, does not exist to satisfy the needs of a man. That is a lie of Satan. You are a precious daughter of the living God. If he does not see that, then let him go.
So you might say, many good men will leave and not make it within the two godly guidelines. It's a price that we should be willing to pay simply because God paid a huge price for us and we belong to Him. We want to obey His commands and do what's right. Does that mean God will have someone better for you? I don't know. God doesn't promise that. The Bible said that suffering is a normal part of life and that includes believers. So if we do obey Him, it's isn't guarantee that our suffering will lessen or disappear. But I think our attitudes must be like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They would not bow down to the idol and would die for their choice because it is right. They said, "our God is able to save us from the fire, but even if He does not, we will not worship other gods." "Even if God doesn't", and they were right, sometimes God doesn't do for us what we want Him to do. God allowed John the Baptist to die a horrible death, when he did the right thing. But this I know, I want nothing to hinder my relationship with God. When you do what's right, there is a freedom, a joy, knowing that you obeyed the Lord and that He is smiling down on you, and perhaps feeling proud of you. Regardless of what happens, that is motivation enough to do it. So what if some handsome prince walked away sadly, it's a price we'd gladly pay for the obedience of Christ.
A man isn't wrong because he desires marriage. But if any of the above two guidelines are broken, then he is not the one for you, let him go. Keep getting healthier emotionally and work on yourself and your personal goals in life. In the process, you will attract the right man to be with you. No need to be desperate. You are beautiful and loved by our Father God. Whether a man comes along or not, you can choose to live happily.
Love you always.
Chris
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