I came from a background of suppressing my feelings. I am not alone. Those of us recovering from codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. The feelings hurt too much to feel and we had no support or permission to deal with them. So often we used compulsive or addictive behaviors to stop the pain temporarily, drug, alcohol, relationships, busyness, food. Then in recovery we slowly allow ourselves to unpack those and feel as we slowly came out of denial. I am getting a lot better in identifying and feeling my pain. But lately I am really learning about this phrase in Galatians "Live by the Spirit".
In recovery, we face and feel our feelings, and then with God's help, we let it go and let the pain move us forward. We learn our part. What am I doing to repeatedly cause this pain? What lesson is our pain trying to teach us? How can I do it differently next time and better? Sure, it doesn't feel good to feel angry, disappointed, betrayed, stupid or regret. But neither does denying what is already there. So I discovered that often when I feel my feelings, and it doesn't feel good, I often WANT to cut this person off or draw some boundaries. After all, it would be stupid of me to let this happen again. Well, this sometimes is what we need to do, but not always. Our feelings are important, but don't be led by them.
For some of those people that are closest to us, we may need to keep loving them, such as our spouse or children. I find it very hard. After all, I don't want to be treated like a doormat. Some people after being with them for an extended period of time, I came to the conclusion that they are NOT believers in Christ. But God still calls me to love them. God's instructions for people who are lovable, our enemies, and unbelievers are all the same, LOVE them. Jesus Himself set the ultimate example for us in the Garden of Gethsemane. He finds it very difficult to obey God's will for him, and He asked to have the cup removed from Him. He felt his feelings. Then when God told him to still go through with it, He said "Not my will, but Yours be done." None of us will have to go through the extent of Jesus' sufferings physically and emotionally, but sometimes we are called to suck it up and obey the voice of the Holy Spirit. Feeling your feelings but be led by the Spirit. Align your feelings with God's direction.
It's easier said then done. I hear people like Corrie Ten Boom who forgave their perpetrators, people who killed their loved ones, and led to them Christ. Others who love on the one that murder or rape their children. It seemed so crazy and impossible. I recently had to teach minor prophets in Sunday School, which was actually quite unusual. One of the prophet was Hosea. He was called to married a wife Gomer who loved other men. She was a prostitute, a harlot, an adulterer. Over and over again, she went to other men and got into trouble. How do you think Hosea felt? Probably betrayed, exhausted, disappointed, resentful, frustrated, angry,..... but yet he kept loving her despite all those feelings. At the end, he went to the slave market and bought her back because she got into so much trouble. He had to pay for his wife who was his to begin with. Hosea's life was to be a live sermon to the people of Israel in representing God's faithfulness even in the midst of their unfaithfulness. I don't know what you think of Hosea's life? I thought to myself, Boy, I sure don't want to be him. He is the last person I want to be, what an unfortunate guy who out of all prophets received this calling to love a wayward wife! Just kill me now. I think I'd rather be beheaded, this kind of love is exhausting. This is why I don't think God calls us to love like this for everyone around us. Mercy and Truth go together. But when He does, He will insist that we love regardless of how we feel, like Hosea. Boy, when I get to heaven, I will need to go visit Hosea's mansion because I believe that his reward must be so great .....to have his heart broken 100 times and still loved.
Love our enemies. The hardest commandment in the Bible. Even the Village idiot knows to love those that are good to him, there is nothing special about that. The real Christ-likeness comes when we love the unlovable, those who hurt us, our enemies. When you tell God how you feel, and He still tells you to love, the good news is that He will give you the strength to do that. Another story that I loved was Elijah hiding in the cave because after his huge success on Mount Carmel, everything went back to the starting point. There was no revival after what the people saw what God did and Jezebel was trying to hunt him down and take his life. He didn't take his own life, but he asked God to take his life. What did God do first? I imagined that God puts on an apron, and baked a cake, and tell the angel to bring it to Elijah. When gave him the strength necessary to take the long journey ahead. He walked 40 days from eating that food. Then God just listened to Elijah whine. He didn't stop him or correct him, just listened. Then after that God helped Elijah to accomplish the rest of God's will in his life. God always gives us the grace to do His will. We just need to be willing. So feel those feelings, let it go, forgive, and then do what God says. Let us choose to be led by the Spirit against all odds.
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