First of all, I am one who doesn't like to admit fault. If it were not for the wonderful CR program, I'd still be there to think that I'm quite ok and an upright person. Being able to admit our part and evaluate our behavior is a huge part of a healthy relationship and being human. Dogs, chimpanzees or the smartest of animals do not have the ability to do that. Dogs don't bark or bite and then sit back later and think "was that helpful that I did that?" We humans are gifted with this special evaluation ability so we can keep improving, whether it's our character defect or space travel or technology.
Last week I went with a friend to my beloved silent retreat again for 3 days. If it were up to me, I'd stay at least 4 days. But it was her first time doing these silent retreats and she was unsure if she can stay quiet, which was many people's first concern when they do this. The Catholics emphasize on periodically going away in silence for some time to talk with God, which was what the Lord Jesus modeled for us. If it were not for my sister who introduced me to silent retreats, I would not have come to love this contemplative way of retreat. The retreats I have been on were full of chattering women and bustling activities and workshops and speakers. Those are fun, but I love more the personal deepening retreats with our Lord and hearing from Him and enjoying His presence away from the busyness of everyday life.
I don't have much expectations for these silent retreats, except for some soul rest and enjoying the presence of Jesus. But this time, God spoke to me about some of my sins that I didn't see before as I converse with Him about something else. He showed me that sometimes the very things that ticked me off about other people are the things that I need to work on myself. It was like Prophet Nathan who told King David about a story of a guy that did the same thing he did, and King David was so angry and ticked off, but he couldn't see until Nathan said, "You are that man."
My soul was grieved when I listed out one after another the things that I needed to change. But like going to a dentist, and like what my sponsor used to say, "It hurts so good". If someone told me those things, I'd feel very hurt and defensive and maybe denied it. If I'm feeling aggressive, I may lash out about how dare they tell me and look at themselves, they aren't saints themselves. But when it's the Lord who showed me, then I know it's because He loves me and He wants my relationships to be better, so I receive it. Another huge reason that I am open to admit and confess is that I know humility comes before an intimate relationship with the Lord. In my 20's and 30's, I knew everything. I thought I was pretty ok, I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sleep around. I was an above average young person and proud of it. Here is the sad thing, those people that pride themselves in who they are often don't have a relationship with the Lord. Two of the most famous examples in the Bible were the Pharisee and tax collector's prayers, and the prodigal son and the older son. Then it's evident that all the people that flocked to Jesus were the sinners, prostitutes and tax collectors. Why? Because they know they have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. They admit to their sins, and they live in the guilt of what they do and continue to do. They knew they needed a savior. It's like what Jesus said, "Only those who are sick need a doctor." God loves the humble. Our pastor Hugo once said that if you do not feel close to God, then maybe you don't know how bad you truly are. I agree with that. In my younger days, I didn't feel close to God because I didn't think I was that bad. And being where I am now, I never want to go back to those days because I value a close relationship with God above all else.
So in great sorrow, I owned up to my part in many areas and then I confess them to the Lord. I took communion and wrote a prayer for myself to pray daily until the next retreat (which I will share below). I had to make things right with a few people (make amends), and it was good to do that. I had to write a forgiveness letter to someone. Then I walked away the retreat feeling God's love and forgiveness, and His promise to partner with me in doing those things that He has pointed out for me. What a wonderful God we serve!
Here is my prayer after the retreat:
"Dear Lord,
I thank you for Your ever present help and blessings in my life, helping me always to notice and be grateful to see and hear You in ordinary and unexpected places. Thank you for pointing out somethings that I neglected to see and ways that brought me back to my old patterns of doing things.
Please forgive me in ignoring Your small still voice, in not putting You first in my schedule, instead seeking the things of the world unknowingly.
Forgive me in not trusting You in my problems and worries. Help me remember that You my Father, knows everything I need and will provide if it is Your will.
Forgive me in wanting to be in charge of my own life and trust in my own capabilities and smarts when I really should trust in You, who sees all things and infinitely wiser.
Forgive me in often being overly helpful in doing things for others that they can do and when help is not requested, for wanting to improve other's lives when they don't want to. (codependency)
Forgive me when I lecture others thinking that I know what's best for them when I really don't, but You do.
Forgive me for not wanting to accept in my life what cannot be changed, but still trying to improve it. Please give me the wisdom to know and accept what you purposely placed in my life that may not be what I wanted, like the thorns in the flesh for apostle Paul, and accept Your grace provided to deal with it.
Forgive me for not admitting my real fears, weaknesses and needs because I was afraid to be vulnerable to others who actually really care about me. Help me to learn to be real in safe people.
Forgive me for my pride in thinking that my opinion is always the right one. Help me to be interested in listening to others who have a different point of view.
Forgive me for not taking sabbath rest when I need it. I push through and ended up tired and grouchy, affecting others closest to me.
Thank you, Jesus, for lovingly showing me what I need to work on and I know that Your ever present Holy Spirit is going to partner with me to bring about changes that will make me more like You at the end and make my important relationships better. Mold me and shape me so I can be more a reflection of You and help me to make choices in life so the result is that I'm growing closer to You, that's my heart's desire. I love You and thank You for loving me. In Jesus' name, Amen."
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