I discovered that here in Taiwan, many adult children in their 30-40's are still living with their parents. They always say it's to save money but I think it's much more than that. There is this term "adult child" being thrown around. I wasn't too familiar with that term, so I began some research and found some very interesting things.
There is a commandment in the Bible, "Children, obey your parents." That term "Children" I always assume ends at 18 years old, as it is the age of Legal adulthood in the U.S. When a child becomes of age, that obedience due their parents then is transferred to God. Instead of listening to their parents, they will learn to listen to God for directions and guidance. But I come to find out that the parents here in Asia expected their adult children to obey them and care for them as long as they live. Many also prefers that their adult children live with them for life in order to take care of them. What a huge burden to put on the adult children who are just beginning to assert their independence! On the flip side, the parents are willing to pay for much higher education because they want their kids to have plenty of money so they can afford to support them.
Maybe because of this expectation, the young adults were raised much more dependent on their parents. They knew that their parents will support them well into adulthood, far beyond their college education. So they are not expected to go get a job at 16 years old (which I encouraged my children to do in America) or live in a separate house or become financially independent. I remember that my kids can't wait to become independent, they drive as soon as they can at 16 1/2 yr old and get a job anywhere so they can have pocket money. Unlike my American kids, here there are so many adult children who are still dependent on their parents in many ways. I know people who are married with family, but still turn in their paychecks to their mom/dad because they cannot manage it or trust their spouse... that's such strange behavior. Cut the apron strings. Doesn't the Bible say to leave your father and mother and become one with your spouse?
What are adult children? Mainly, they are dependent on their parents in these areas:
1) source of sustenance. Basic needs such as money, food, and shelter. They still depend on their parents to provide for them. In America, at the age of 18, the child is expected to make a living and start supporting himself/herself. In an Asian home, it's much later, but I think most Asian families that age is somewhere between college graduation and getting married. The parents often feel hurt or rejected when the children leave home rather than celebrating their independence. What if the child doesn't get married? Some stay home for life, until the parent passes away, then they inherit the home.
2: Guardianship. They rely on their parents to protect them from harm physically and emotionally. When a small child is crossing the road, the parents watch for their safety and tells them when is safe. The parents watch out for friends and influences in the children's lives when it can be potentially dangerous, then they are warned. But when a child becomes an adult, he/she will make those decisions themselves and live with the consequences. It's part of growing up. But adult children still depend on their parents to be their guardian and make decisions for them. They are unable to make decisions, and often wants their parents to make important decisions for them.
3 Management. A manager's main job is to get something done in order to reach a goal. During the children's younger years, when there is some important goal to reach, the parents will design a reward and punishment system, control resources, train the child to achieve a goal. I did lots of those growing up. Sometimes there is a jar of beans and if they did enough right things, then they fill up the jar, there will be a reward like movie or money or toys. If the kids finish their homework, then they can do some of the things they want, like going out with friends or watch a show on TV. But as a child grows older, they will need to come up with a plan to reach their own goals and not still look to the parent to be the manager of their lives to determine what goals to reach and how to reach them. Endure the pain of delayed gratification so we can reach a goal that makes life easier for the long term.
I find it so inspiring that during a podcast, Dr. Henry Cloud wrote a letter to his 12 year old daughter, whom was in the process of becoming an adult. He asked her to to think about these questions as she prepares to grow into an adult: (Such great questions to ask ourselves if we still struggle with growing up)
Am I thinking about my actions? What will be the consequences of my actions?
Am I asking if this is good for me or not? Can I choose wisely what's good and healthy for me?
Am I having fun? Kids say "I'm bored." because they often don't know how to find their own fun. Am I aware of what I am interested and is fun to do for me?
Am I facing my fears? There will be times when we will need to push through our fears and do it anyway. Do I have courage to do that?
Am I choosing to get through the pain to get to what I want? Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity. Work hard now and take it easy later.
Am I taking responsibilities or blaming others? It's so easy to blame others, but not so easy to see and own up to our parts.
Who are my real friends? Who can helps me be a better me?
What do I feel? Am I aware of how I feel? What bothers me and why?
What are my talents and gifts?
Who needs forgiveness? Do I need to forgive me or others?
How am I leaving this better than I found it? Whether it's people, places or things, try to leave it in better shape than you found it.
What does the world need that I can give? What can I contribute to the world?
Am I walking with God?
I know that for myself, though my parents did their best to raise me, they rarely affirm or praise me. So I often felt like it is not OK to be myself. It's not until I am in my forties that I started to ask these questions that define me. Who am I? How am I different from others? what do I like and feel? Part of my "re-parenting" practice was starting each morning listening to some positive affirmation. (from Youtube) I felt like these were words that my parents wanted to but never expressed because they are Asian parents. So I listen to the positive affirmation and allowing myself to feel OK being who I am. Slowly, I accept myself and feel more comfortable in my own skin. Of course, most of all, I remind myself I have a loving Father in heaven that has paid for all my sins past and future, and loves me though He knew everything about me. Ah, the beauty of the gospel message! It takes a lifetime to understand and embrace that wonderful good news and our position in Christ. To me, that lays the foundation to maturity: Knowing that we are accepted as we are and we can be ourselves. From that point forward, we can grow into maturity.
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