I became extremely interested in this topic of how to handle toxic people because of a recent experience. Toxic people are everywhere in every country. They are searching for a certain type of personality: kindhearted, willing to help, talented or resourceful, and most importantly no boundaries and easily manipulated. Once they find those, they will suck them dry and move on to the next victim. I have been used, and will continue to come in contact with those people.
I have no problem helping someone who is truly in need or happened to be in a bad place in life. This is where most of my encounters began with toxic people. They tell me their tale of woe, a well rehearsed story of why a series of events have led them to where they are right now. So for in about a year, I have met three individuals here that I would put in this category. The last person was my sponsee last year. She was kicked out of the step study because she had lots of issues. But she assured me that she wants to change and that I'm the person who can help her. I was naive and I took on the job of her sponsor and help her in many areas. When step study ended, we stopped our weekly meeting, but she still clings on to me especially at times when she needed something. She is always late, but always had a good excuse. She never worked, but took full advantage of brothers and sisters in Christ who are willing to help her. The kindhearted people of God always provided her with food, shelter and personal offerings. She said she couldn't work, but honestly, there is nothing wrong with her. Every time she sees me, there seemed to be something of urgent matter. Always a crisis in her life. On my day off, she asked me to help her with this form for an hour. I went to help her. It took longer and longer. Every time I stood up to go, she called, "wait, wait...what about this part? I don't understand, can you please help me?" So I sat back down again. Then dinner time came and she got hungry, but she wanted to keep working. This is the part that woke me up.... She picked up her phone and called this church sister who has little kids and a family, using her best acting skill, told her how hungry she was and that she had to finish this dreaded form. The sister said that she was cooking dinner, but she can have some food if she comes to pick it up later. Then a couple of hours passed by, she called this sister again and whined that she didn't have time to go and requested that this sister personally delivers the dinner to her. I was thinking, about 10 steps away is a 7-11, you can get food for cheap there. (that was what I did.) But why walk when you can have it delivered for free. I was shocked to see this poor sister with little kids, delivered a dinner to the place we were working. This is now 6 hours later, when she told me she was only going to take an hour of my time. Something finally happened, a lightbulb went on in my head, and I got up and left regardless of her begging. And I blocked her on my phone after I told her I couldn't help her anymore. She moved on to the next victim.
I was angry with her and with myself for letting her use me. I somehow believed that if I pour in enough love, spend enough time, this person will change and her life will get better. I finally had to give up and realize that this is not going to happen. It's her life, and she is too comfortable to change. It's faster to find the next person to manipulate than to change her ways and find a job to support herself. Why did I take so long to realize? Why didn't I set boundaries and stick to them sooner? In hindsight, I think I should have known myself better to write a manual about how I want to be treated as a sponsor and stick to that manual. Things such as: I don't wait more than 15 minutes if you are late. Keeping all meetings less than 2 hours. I don't give money. If I had had more of those, I would not have been so drained.
The most important lesson I learn from this incident is: NOT everyone deserves my time/energy. If you and I have a precious resource, we would be careful where we spend it on. I am careful with my money and how I spend it, most of us are. It's evident that it's a valuable resource and once you spend it, your bank account will be low, unless you make a lot more than you spend. I need to treat my time and energy the same way.Perhaps not be so careless in what I spend it on and who I spend it on. Take time to recharge and do the things I love to do in order to take care of myself and replenish my energy. I just read a verse today, "Guard your heart above all else, for from it flows the springs of life" Pv 4:23 The conditions of our heart is the most important thing we need to guard, don't give it away freely and without discretion. Not everyone deserves it.
I also learned that boundaries does not say, "you are not important", it says "I am important too." I used to mistakenly think that Christians should have little or no boundaries and be kind to everyone. We are not called to be doormats. Since we are limited, we need to live a prioritize life. Priorities means there will be less important stuff that we cannot get to. I like this passage when Jesus woke up in the morning very early to spend time with God as He often does. I don't know how long He had been gone, but everyone was looking for Him. He was a huge success the day before in a small town, and those people want Him to go back. They are looking for him, telling him he was so good and amazing.But this was what Jesus did, He already talked with the Father, and He knew where He needed to go today. He said to them, "lets go somewhere else, into the neighboring towns, for that's where I need to go." (paraphrased Mk 1: 35-39) Jesus had limitations when He became a human, so He lived with God's priority and He made sure that He took orders from the Lord daily. I really love this short passage. Jesus didn't heal all the sick and He didn't go where people wanted him, He spent his time/energy on the people and places that God told Him to. How much more we need to live the same way! When there are demands, and requests from others, we need to take into consideration ourselves too. We are important too. I am also called to love myself, not excessively, but a healthy self-love is the foundation to all love. Your own interests are also important as well as other's requests.
Detach and be unaffected to the toxic people. They want you to react, they want you to do what they want, they want to make you guilty if you don't comply. This is the hard part for me.... be detached and unaffected. They will tell you all kinds of stuff, that they will be homeless, they cannot do this, you are the only one who can help them, they have no friends except for you, they will wither and die.... They are so good at this stuff because it works on people. Don't fall for it like I did before. A good way to start is say, "I am not sure....." I think they hate this when you doubt them. "I am not sure if you have no other friends...." "I'm not sure you will wither and die...." Put some distance between your emotions and theirs. Don't own their problems. Let them work on it and take responsibilities for it. You go and work on your stuff. see my blog on healthy detachment. Remember this from Melody Beattie, "Detachment does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. " Don't lose your cool, stay calm and composed at all times. Almost always, in that peaceful place, the Holy Spirit will show you the right thing to do.
https://www.mysuccessgodsway.com/1734563_healthy-detachment
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