Strangely, the one single skilled that I used most often here in Taiwan is how to have a difficult conversation. This skill doesn't come naturally to any of us. It's a learned skill but a very necessary one indeed. It is part of a healthy relationship. Asian culture especially doesn't like confront, so it caused many problems because a difficult conversation is needed but not done.
I came from a family where we swept things under the rug. My parents never had any known fights or open conflicts. My mom believed that she is to submit to my dad all the time. When she felt frustrated because she had a differerent opinion, she would just furiously clean or reorganize her sewing room or pull weeds. No one knew how to talk about things that bothered us or have the necessary conversation because we don't know how to do that and it is viewed as a bad thing. It was not until I joined CR that I found that it's ok to say how we felt and it's ok to confront a wrong or have a difficult conversation with someone. In fact, it's a loving thing to do because we care enough about them to want to make things better, rather than just leave. Since I have to do it so much in my ministry here, I am writing this mostly for myself so I will have a reference point as to what I need to do.
So what constitute the situaions that required a difficult conversation?
High emotion and strong feelings
Sometimes, one person feels very hurt or angry or disappointed because of the action of another. This probably constitutes most of my cases.
High stake because it matters
Sometimes there is a major decision that needed to be made which will affect the lives of everyone involved but there are different ideas of what the best decision is. This would be something like where to move to, what house to buy, starting a business, leadership of a group, money issues....etc.
Different viewpoints
Sometimes there are just different point of view on parenting, God's word, politics, life, education, what's acceptable....etc. I don't get in a lot of those because most of the time, the stakes are not very high so I just let the other person express his/her opinion unless I feel strongly about defending my position (rarely happens). Or I change the subject if I feel too annoyed.
Before we get into the how-to's, I think that God showed us how to do this by coming down from heaven, becoming one of us, lived like us, identify with us, stoop to our level, be where we are, eventually solved the problem of sin by dying for us. He started in the place of love, why else would He come down from heaven and be born as a baby? My sister once took her girls to Africa to serve as missionaries. Oh, boy, I don't think many of us can do that.... live in a place with no modern conveniences. Once I was facinated by Jane Goodall, and read her biography. She went to live among the apes for years and years deep in the mountains. Why would anyone do a thing like that? Only love. Let this difficult conversation birth from a place of love.
1. Getting ready before the conversation
In my opinion, this may be the most difficult step. There is much preparation that needed to be done. When emotions are high, that is not the right time to have the conversation. We need to bleed off the emotions first. Go to a good friend who will not judge you. Write it out in a journal. I have this "negative journal" that I use for this purpose. I write out my feelings, what I want to say but shouldn't, and all my negativity in that notebook. Some of my friends like to use ChatGPT for this.
Face your fears and faults. If there is something that you need to own up or face, do your part. This is where in CR you need a sponsor for that. Or maybe a good honest loving friend that can help you see your blind spots. Sometimes after I do this, I realized that confrontation isn't necessary, because it was mostly me.
2. Begin with the end in mind
This means find a common goal that you both want and state that goal in the beginning. This puts both of you on the same side instead of opposing each other. These are some examples of the good things to say:
"We both want a healthy relationship which both feel cared about and understood."
"I want to find a way forward, be in a good place with each other."
"I want to be heard, and I want to hear what you have to say too."
"You are so important to me, I want to make this work."
"We both want the same things, which is .... "
3. Listen
Let the other one speak first and listen carefully not just the words but the feelings behind the words. Confirm what you have heard using your own words. "It sounded to me like you are feeling very hurt/angry because of...... am I right?" This is also hard because we have to bite our tongue and swallow our pride and urge to defend ourselves. Just listen and repeat back what you hear.
4. Tell them using "I statement"
Finally, after hearing all that they have to say, it's your turn to speak up. As much as you can, use "I statement". This is one of the 5 guidelines of CR and I find it very useful in having to address an issue. Say "I feel..., I think.... It's my understanding that...." instead of "You did this and you always....."
5. Join forces with them
Find a common ground and join forces with the other person. Becomoe allies, not enemies. What's important to that person? Start there and figure out a way to make that happen. Agree on a direction.
6. Have I said it all?
Lastly, if time allows, ask if they have said it all and ask yourself if you have said it all. Don't leave anything if possible. What if things cannot be resolved at this moment? we can say, "I want to resolve this, but I don't think we will get there today. Let's try to set another meeting." If you are not making progress at all, then bring in a wise third party.
That's all the notes I have for now. I am learning as I go, will update any more tips when I learn new things. Blessings to you as you have those necessary but difficult conversations. May your relationships be much better as a result.
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