What I learned recently

I have been so happy lately.  Busy, but happy.  There are so many plastic surgery clinics here in Taiwan, and women are keeping those clinics in business.  But I believe in the transformation of the heart from Jesus.  That's what I have inside, and the joy comes out from me. I often got comments about looking younger than my age.  Honestly, I use the cheapest face cream possible unless it's a gift.  Many of you know that I am in a program called Celebrate Recovery and still attend after 13 years.  It's a program that helped me work through all my hurts and helped me to forgive.  I was asked to give a short testimony next week, so here I wanted to share it with you. 

"Hi, I love Jesus and I struggle with Codependency, my name is Chris. I was born into a Christian family in Yilan. My family was middle class typical Taiwanese family. I have a younger brother and a younger sister. I was blessed to grow up in a home with loving Christian parents. We never had a lot of money, but we were happy. At the age of 14, we immigrated to the U.S. There I was educated and got married to Ted and had four children.

Unfortunately, my parents who loved me both died of cancer after years of fighting. After they died, I was exhausted emotionally and physically and lost all will to live. I was not sure why God would let them die when they clearly had at least 20 more years to live. I was angry, depressed and alone. This wasn't supposed to happen so early. But it happened and I don't know how to accept it. At this point, I remembered my sister told me about CR and how it changed her life and saved her marriage. So finally, the pain exceeded my fears, and I walked into CR in 2012. I was so broken that I didn't share much in groups, I just cried the first 6 months because I was so sad about my life then. But I kept going back because I felt safe and not alone, and I felt ok to be in pain because others were in pain too.  It was God who led me there.  Not long after, I joined my first step study, got a sponsor, and I did a hundred inventory sheets, shed a lot of tears, worked through my forgiveness letters and amends. 2-3 years later, I felt so much better, my outlook in life became positive and bright. A lot of people leave CR at this point thinking that they have graduated, but not me. I don't want to lose the recovery that I worked so hard for. I remembered the broken mess that I was, and I didn't want to go back there. So I kept coming back to work the program for myself and helped others in their recovery. I live out the 8 principles, I serve as a leader and a sponsor. I joined accountability groups that met weekly at 5:30 am without exception because recovery was important to all five of us. For the first time, I had real friends. CR is a lifetime program because life keeps happening and I needed to be in CR to get through my marital crisis, my kids' issues, early breast cancer, work challenges and other stuff of life. I am so thankful that I always had my CR family to support me.  I am what they called a "lifer".

2023 April Ted decided to move back to Taiwan because he wanted to retire here. At first, I thought he was crazy. However, not long after, God also called me back to Taiwan. I resisted. This was not what I had planned. My plan is to retire in a beautiful location near the beach and within driving distance to my kids so I can be there for them in case they need me. Instead, I had to sell my possessions and leave my kids, and I am definitely not driving distance from them. It was a struggle in the beginning to let go of my plan and take hold of God's new plan for me. In the depths of my heart, I knew that obeying His plan is the best for me even though I don't know what that looks like, but at least He told me where to go and when. God sees all and He has the best in mind for me. So, I trusted Him enough to obey, sort of, at least the first step.  I thought if things don't work out, I can always move back.

In His mercy, Ted and I got plugged into the CR program here at Bilingual Community Church right away. What a gift from the Lord that we have a CR to attend here in Kaohsiung, Taiwan! CR is so hard to keep going; I am so grateful every time I came to attend CR. Thank you, Pastor Hugo and Becky and the staff that worked so hard behind the scenes every week. I appreciate you every week. I am still a codependent and will always struggle with wanting to control and focus on others and neglecting myself. I am so glad I have CR family to grow with me here in Taiwan.

The adjustment in the past 1.5 years hasn't been easy. I needed to continue to learn letting go of the old and embracing the new things that God has for me. I found out that one of my idols is my kids. So, learning to let go control of my four adult kids is probably the hardest for me, as being a mom is a huge part of my identity. Recently, there was a lot of drama with my kids, and the old Chris would have wanted to go back and be in the middle of it all, fixing and controlling their lives. But I now realized that I will not be able to fix anything even if I do go back, and since my place is clearly here, I am staying put because this is where I want the Lord to find me serving when He does come back.

In the beginning, I was a workaholic with nothing to do here. It's the first time I didn't have to work. *Thanks to the lower cost of living here.) Though I fought it, I needed that first 6 months with Jesus. He is my shepherd and strength. There is a saying, "you don't know that Jesus is all you need until He is all you have." I learned to depend on Him for everything, and He never failed me. He continued to let me know that this is where He wants me. Finally, a Martha is forced to sit quietly like her sister Mary at the feet of Jesus, and you know what? I like being a Mary now.

Then last May, as if I was a missing puzzle piece, God gave me the job of being a sponsor to many CR step study women. It is something that CR needed here in Taiwan, but no one could do it.  Well, I fit right in and loving it. Not only I get to know these wonderful women and love on them, but it was also like I became the mom to them all in the Lord. I miss my kids, but God gave me new spiritual children, which are my sponsees. My sponsees also help me to keep going strong in my recovery because sometimes what I needed to do is exactly what I told them they should do. It was so rewarding to see their lives getting better.

This March I went back to the US for a month. Before I went, I was very depressed about a relationship close to me. I felt unimportant, unloved, angry, disappointed, and always ignored. Remember that codependents tend to focus on controlling others and ignore our own needs? after spending a month in the US and coming back to this same person who hasn't changed, I had fresh new attitude and eyes to see. Strangely, I felt positive and loving towards him. Nothing had changed except my batteries were fully charged from my trip to the U.S. It made me realize that when I feel all these negative feeling towards someone or some situation, it's very possible that I am part of the problem. Perhaps I am drained and not taking care of my own needs. Because of my own exhaustion, I see everyone as a source of irritation. So since then, I am more aware of my “emotional batteries” and what drains it and when I need to take time to recharge it. (see my last blog) It has made a world of difference in how well I am doing now. I feel so happy and thankful most days.

How do I figure out what my part is? I use the CR moral inventory constantly whenever I feel uncomfortable about a situation or bothered by something. I process it in my mind now, but sometimes I still write it out.  It always felt good to let out how I truly feel about something, because sometimes I think I ought NOT to feel this way. It is freeing when I finally admit I feel a certain way. Though I'd like the world to change, I realized that the only part that I can change is me. So, stop complaining about the rain and open an umbrella.

A couple of things I learned from doing Inventory these few weeks are

1. reaching out to busy people. Sometimes when I know someone is busy, I will not even reach out to them if I have a need. I already assume I know their answer, which is most likely, "No, I am busy.” But I don't know that for sure; it's an assumption.  I think I know, but I don't really know that. There is a chance that they will make time for me; even if they don't, my part is to speak up for my needs and keep in touch with important people in my life.  My sister was so mad at me and forced me to admit this.  OK, sis, you were right.

2. I am learning that when I give a lot of time, money or energy into a certain relationship, I expect a good relationship between us. But it's unrealistic expectation. Relationships are not like vending machine, you put in the money, and you get what you want. Or like baking a cake, you add these ingredients and bake it and out comes the cake.  Relationships involve TWO parties who have free wills.  It is more like, you give because you want to give, and you let go of all expectations because you can't control how that other person responds. That's up to them. God reached out and gave as much as He could, in fact, He gave us HIMSELF to pay for our sins on the cross.  Yet sadly, some still reject Him because God gave them freedom of choice. Love is a choice.  So I am learning to give without expecting anything in return.  SO HARD.

Well, as you can see, I still have a lot to learn. Sanctification process will not complete until Jesus comes. Thank God for CR program to keep helping me grow.  and thank you for letting me share."