I had some recent drama where a beloved friend out of love, tells me everything that is wrong in my life and what I needed to do to fix it. There are lots of people who do that in Taiwan, they mostly have a strong opinion and want to impose their opinion on others. But this is someone whom I love, respected and trusted, and she is a spiritual leader. She matters to me. So it hurts. It hurts deeply. The first place I went to was, "what's wrong with me?" "I must be a terrible person for her to be so angry at me." "She must know better, she is smarter and more educated/spiritual than me." For a while, I couldn't sleep well pondering these questions over and over in my head.
I know that my life is by no means perfect. I am not a perfect parent or a perfect spouse. Maybe I don't have really close, loving friends in Taiwan. In my ministry, I may not be balanced or may even not be fit to do what I do. I don't measure up. I know that I am terrible in some areas. But I also know that I live by the grace of God. He loves me despite of those things. After some years of recovery, I began to see myself in a more positive light, seeing my worth as who I am in the Lord. But when the friend kept pointing out my wrongs, including ways I hurt her because I was cold and wasn't there for her when she needed me, ways that I communicate with a sticker instead of typing a paragraph, or when I decided not to fly 20 hours to attend a wedding that is important to her. I acknowledge her feeling and I apologized for what I did unintentionally. I didn't know she wanted me to show up during her hard times because the message I got was that I was not needed. It was confusing and I misinterpreted. I disappointed my friend and now that I know how she feels, I felt terrible about it. But then she kept rehashing the past, and being more expressive and articulate than I am, she used lots and lots of words to repeated tell me how hurt she was and that all my excuses were crap. I began to sink deeper into shame and guilt. What is it that she wanted me to do? I cannot fix the past and we had already talked about this in person. What else is there to do?
This is when I needed someone to talk this over with. So I called and asked for an hour to talk with a church sister who loves me. It was nice to just have someone listen who isn't personally involved and has strong feelings towards the whole thing. She listened carefully and asked clarifying questions. In talking, I began to see that not all the things I am accused of is true. The friend's disproportionate anger may come from her own abandonment issues and codependency. I am not responsible for that part. Even though a person may be very educated and trained in spiritual matters, it still doesn't mean that they are God or the authority in my life. I get to decide what God is calling me to do and how I am going to live my life. The funny thing about codependency is that when one gets healthier and doesn't need the other as much, it may be met with resentment and anger. I also learned that just because someone is angry doesn't mean that I have done wrong. When I decided to attend or not attend an event, and that decision is disappointing to others, and they cannot accept it, I can just let them be. I love and care about their feelings but I also care about me. I get to decide what I want to do with my time and money and resources. If the consequence is someone feeling offended, then that's what I need to accept, even though it wasn't what I intended. I don't need to own other's feelings as my own. That is a hard lesson to learn, and I'm learning it now, which is why I needed to have this lesson written down. I know I will continue to struggle in this area, and will need to review what a healthy boundary is.
Boundary is the property line, where I end and you begin. It is for protecting the love inside me, though it is not a permanent wall, it can be a door. It lets in the good and keeps out the bad. It means to refuse to return to a place when my heart is repeated hurt by the other. It means to close the door to confusion, disrespect and irresponsibility.
(Louise Hay says) Boundary can say:
"This is what honors me and this is what doesn't honor me."
"I care about you, but I also care about me."
"This doesn't work for me."
"I need some time."
"I do not accept being spoken to this way"
"I will not continue this conversation if there is no respect."
Even with my low self-image, I recognized that there is a lack of mutual respect in this particular friendship. She loves me and wants to fix my life. She thinks she is trained to be the expert in this area. But I didn't sign up or pay for a counseling session or seminar with her. I just wanted to hang out as friends often do. It obviously wasn't what she wanted. Maybe fixing my life will make her feel important and happy, then that's a codependency issue she will have to work on herself. I decided that I need time away from this friend for a while, because for now, I do not feel safe with her because of the way she spoke to me. I feel belittled and I feel like I can never measure up when I was with her. So I need some space, not forever, but for a while until I am ready. After deciding this boundary, I can sleep again and felt quite at peace.
What do I do in the mean time while waiting? I fill my cup with self care. Other than the basics of good rest, healthy food, and exercise, I can also work on maintaining a peaceful room, creativity, learning new things, positive self-talk, gratitude, Bible reading, hanging out with friends, good music, nature walks....etc.
When will I be able to open up again to this friend? I have no idea. Maybe in a couple of weeks. Maybe never. But it is OK. I am at peace. My life goes on, and I still have a wonderful Father in heaven who loves and provides for me and see me as His precious daughter. Isn't that enough?
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