Because of the approaching Mother's Day, I was asked to speak to a group of young moms similar to MOP (Moms of Preschoolers), and because of my age, they were going to gift me with the title "spiritual mom". That title scares me! Honestly, I'd prefer "The mom who made the most mistakes", I feel more worthy of that title. I had done many things in life and had many jobs, but the hardest of them all is being a mom and homeschooling my four kids. And boy oh boy, I have messed up so many times and because of the mercy of God, my kids turned out ok as of today. I remembered after my third child, I reached the end of myself and often cried out to God on my knees. My prayers were much similar to Moses, "God, you gave me these children, please help me to guide them! I can't do it without your help." Those were desperate cries for help.
I would jokingly say, "I used to be a nice person until I had kids." I felt like my kids brought out the worst in me. Haha.... the truth is I was blaming them for some of the ugliness that spills out when push comes to shove. The mean side of me came out when my kids were little because I was exhausted and I was with them day and night with little or no breaks. When I had to go to the bathroom to "take care of business", they would still slip me notes under the door or talk to me on the other side of my bathroom door. I had no privacy at all. It was so hard to have my own time. The most important time to me was my daily quiet time with God, and I would close the door of my office and put out a sign saying, "Do not disturb me unless the house is on fire or someone is dying." That was my 15-20 min of semi Quiet time with God.
I say I homeschooled them, but most of their elementary school years, life was so crazy that I did very little schooling except for the school of life. There were some subjects that I believed were the foundation of everything and that if they learned those subjects, they would be able to unlock and learn everything else. I was fairly consistent about doing those. and I only had enough energy to teach those. They were:
Bible time: of course, this is the whole reason that I homeschooled, I wanted them to have a Biblical worldview. This is usually the first thing we did after breakfast.
Math: They did one or two worksheets per day. It isn't fun but definitely foundational and important in order to be financially independent someday.
Reading: I read to them daily from different stories. They can do Lego's or puzzles quietly, but they were required to listen. It was important for them to learn sentence structure and to be great communicators one day. When we sat in the car, we often listened to books on CD, Adventures of Odyssey or Narnia or other CD's from the library. Personally, I like mysteries because it taught them logically thinking, and it was exciting. Honestly, I didn't grow up in the U.S., so many of the "classics" I had never heard of. I learned WITH them.
Music: I believed in the importance of music education. There is nothing quite like it that trains and stimulates our 5 senses especially during the early years. I happened to play a little piano, so I taught them how to play piano. When they were older, they had piano teachers that taught them. Later they may be interested in other instruments. I remembered my oldest son decided to take on guitar and so he took guitar lessons. Because of his piano foundation, he progressed much faster than the other students and soon was able to play on the worship team at church. Actually he still plays for the worship team since then.
That was it. I didn't do much else. Then in their junior high years, they joined a charter school that had wonderful Christian teachers that guided them. I just became like a coach in helping them fulfill the teacher's requirements. In a blink of an eye, those days were long gone. It's so fast.... too fast. I forgot to enjoy it. Now the kids are grown and they are busy. They don't bother me anymore and I was lucky if I caught them on their way out or when they were sitting down to have a meal. The days with them were so precious and though finances were tough then, I never regretted giving up my career to homeschool. Homeschooling isn't for everyone, and it certainly doesn't guarantee great kids, only God can do that, but I was glad I did it because I had lots of quantity and quality time with them and they knew I love them because love spells out "TIME". My kids were not the smartest or the most accomplished, but they were loved.
For all the young moms, what is it that I wish I had done more when my kids were little?
1) Encourage myself more
I felt like the worst mom all the time and I was so critical of myself. There is only one of me and four of them, so my house was often a mess and noisy. Life was crazy. I had to wear many hats. I wasn't the best wife/mother/friend/sister/Sunday school teacher/daughter..... the list goes on. Man, if I could do it again, I'd tell myself good job and pat myself on the back daily. It was so hard and I did many things well, it is just that I couldn't see them because I think I should do better. Forget that. Forget the word "should". Before your children can rise up and call you blessed, you can pat yourself on the back. (that's what my sister said).
2) Find support
In the old days, it takes a village to raise a kid. I still had a life when I had one child, then two were still manageable. But once I had 3 kids, people avoided me like a plague. I cannot find babysitter unless it's my own parents. Then after my fourth child, forget it, no saints would babysit four kids. They run for their lives. So needless to say, I didn't get out much. It's easier to stay home. I was too embarrassed to have people over because my house was terribly messy. But this is the time when we needed most support. We need to know, "what? you struggle with that too? So I am not the only mom who struggle!" I remembered a good friend who have 5 kids invited me over to her house when they were small. Her house was in worse state than mine, but there was no embarrassment. It was a fact of life. When the kids were hungry, she proceeded to bring out two loaves of bread and made peanut butter jelly sandwiches. Cheap and easy. We had the best time of our lives! Sometimes we would go out to Costco food court and buy each child a $1.50 hot dog meal, and then hang out at the park afterwards. Oh, how I needed those times of fellowship with other moms! If I could do it again, I would invest in friendships. This job is too hard to be doing it alone.
3) Practice what I preach
"More is caught than taught." That's probably the best advice I heard during the children's formative years. You can say one thing but do another, and the kids are very smart, they know what is truly important to you, and it's not always what you say. Let them hear you play piano or see you read your Bible. When the hard times come, let them see you stand on your faith. Practice what you preach and be consistent about it. No matter what you do, the little eyes are watching and learning. They hear everything and see everything. They are with you all the time, and they are great observers. Don't take it lightly. Repent when we messed up. Walk in the truth that we are teaching them. This is precisely why I said being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. We are teaching them through our character and faith. Not only the message matters, the messenger matters more. It's something we know. Who would buy a diet plan from a fat person? But it's 24/7 that the kids are watching. They see how we deal with disappointment, financial crisis, and other problems of life. They see if the Lord is really the Lord of our lives. They see if they can push our boundaries. They are learning most from watching us. No wonder we need to cry out to God because this isn't something we can do without God's help. It's very humbling to be a mom. Yet, that's where God wants us. To know that one day when the kids turned out OK, it wasn't all of our glory and hard work, it is only the Lord's goodness that our kids turned out ok in spite of us. God is a God of second chances!
Thank God that we have a God who restores the years the locusts have eaten!
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